The Amtrak Experience - Part 2

I must say that the trip home was pretty peaceful with the exception of a few minor issues. Let's get started.......

The commuter train from Grand Rapids to Chicago was quite uneventful. We actually had a few hours to wander around Union Station before boarding in Chicago. The first issue came just outside of Chicago. When we got going we realized that we had trouble. We had a lower berth this time. We THOUGHT that was ok. That is, until the banging began. These closets (see Part 1) have a 2 chairs that face each other that fold down into a bed and then an upper bunk that flips down from the ceiling. The upper bunk is the entire length of the closet. This means that it touches both ends. This also means that if things aren't snug, they bang on the wall by your HEAD!! The bunk in the room behind us was doing just that. If that wasn't annoying enough the door to the end room (on the other side of us) didn't stay closed properly. The occupants didn't latch it and so it would constantly open just enough to rattle against our other wall. Now we have banging on one side and rattling on another. But wait! There's more! There are 2 drunk, obnoxious guys across the hall who are quite loud and in the rattling door room there is someone playing some sort of wind instrument. Remember when you (or a sibling) were in 4th grade and you had those dumb recorder, tonette blowy things for "music class"????? Yeah, you know the ones! You could stand out on your porch (because no parent let their child blow these obnoxious things in the house!) at 6:30pm on a week night in any suburb in America and hear them tweeting away. It was like that. The odd thing was that the people in that room were all over 40 years old. Huh? But no, we're not quite finished yet because someone else in that same room had joined in with a stringed instrument of some variety. Yep, we have a regular gypsy band wailing away now!!!! This just isn't working for me!!!! Pull the call button!

When the car attendant came we asked him if there were any empty rooms above so that we could switch to an upper berth. Of course, we already knew that there were because you should never ask such a question without knowing the answer in advance. I explained the nature of the issue to him and he just glared at me and said, "Ma'am, this is a train. Trains make noise. That's just the way it is. I have nothing else." Excuse me? I'm not a TOTAL cretin! I didn't just fall off the turnip truck! I wanted to look at him and say, "What???? This is a train??? OH NO! OH MY GOSH! I was suppose to be on a plane! How did this happen??????!!!!!!! STOP! STOP!" PLEASE! So, after his incredibly rude outburst he DID make the banging bunk stop. At least that was something.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I'm very easily annoyed.....sounds, smells...little things that most people would probably be ok with. Not, me. I'm thinking....praying really, "Dear God, whatever I did to deserve this, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it.....whatever it was....please, I beg You, have mercy on me!!!!" Moments later the attendant appeared at our door with a whole new attitude. AND AN UPPER BERTH! Hallelujah! We're saved! Once we moved rooms, things got much happier. Until supper...............

They called our reservation so we mosey'd on down to the dining car. I know, you can't really "mosey" on a train. It's really more like stumbling, staggering and careening. At any rate, we arrived. This time, we were seated at a table with a young woman and her brother. Ok, what I THOUGHT was a young woman and her brother. The boy was 11 and the young woman, who I assumed was a sister, looked to be about 15 at first glance. As we sat there it became clear that this was a mother and son. She could have been as much as 30 when you really looked at her. Oh man, I'm getting OLD. People look younger and younger to me every day! So, let me just set the stage..... The mom/sister has limp brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, is wearing a polo shirt and a pair of mens jeans. The boy is 11 with short cropped "summer hair", large ears, a mass of freckles and the hugest bucked teeth you have ever seen. I see major orthodonics in this poor kid's future. Big old Chiklet bucked teeth. We're not talking about a year of braces, we're talkin' the full meal deal here.....4 years of braces, the headgear thing, the massive rubber band treatment........ I know I probably sound like I'm horribly mean, but I'm just trying to give you the full picture here. You know how it is at that age......a kid's features get all weird on their faces and their teeth seem enormous and out of place. My sisters and I affectionately refer to it as the "ugly stage". Some kids have to stay there longer than others. They hit it at about 9 and start normalizing again around 14. Most kids completely grow out of it as they mature. I'm pretty sure this kid will not. If this kid had dirty, bare feet and overalls with no shirt he'd be right at home in Arkansas or the mountains of Tennessee. No offense to those from the south, but you all know the stereo type. We, in Idaho, have been dubbed with shaved heads, no indoor plumbing and swastikas and you have moonshine, overalls and bucked teeth. It's only fair. I'm sorry, that's just the way of it. I didn't create the stereo type, I'm just utilizing it to make a point. :) So, we're sitting at the table with Billy Mack and Ruby Sue and I'm not kidding you, this kid looked at his mom and said, "Mama, do ya think they gots chicken and taters? I want some taters Maw!". Oh Henry!!! These people were fresh off the porch! We're talkin' chicken eatin', banjo pickin', porch sittin' genuine hill folk! Unfortunately, they didn't have "chicken and taters" on the menu. The closest they had was an herb roasted 1/2 game hen with a baked potato and steamed veggie mix. The meals come with a salad which they bring out first. This kid sticks his hand in his bowl and picks out the 2 cherry tomatoes and shoves them in his mouth and just devours them. Then he ate the ones in his mom's/sister's salad. Rodd is allergic to tomatoes so he picked his up with his fork and asked me if I would like it. Billy Mack practically jumped over the table and said, "Aw wunt it!!!". Oh heavens! Has this child NO manners at all? As we soon found out, that was just the case. No manners whatsoever. He then picked up his half a game hen and proceeded to gnaw on it like some sort of mongrel on a bone. It was absolutely disgusting. I have certainly seen my share of ill mannered children in my day, but this kid tops it all. Dear me......is dinner over yet? Get me out of here!!!!

The next day was pretty quiet. We just lounged around, read and hung out in the closet. Things were hum-drum until after dinner that night. Enter, "the aroma". "The aroma" was akin to something you would smell wafting up from an outhouse. Now, I'm not talking about a nice, clean April/May sort of outhouse. Not the kind when the weather is cool and they've been freshly pumped and all is well. No, no....not that kind of outhouse. I'm talking about the OTHER kind of outhouse. Those of us who travel know it well. It's the July/August Forest Service/National Park Service outhouse that's been used all summer and has been baking in the 95 degree heat for the last 2 months. Yep.......the one that's so full it's mounding up out of the hole. I'm not making this up.......... I've actually seen them. It's not a good thing. I've found I can hold it for a REALLY LONG TIME!!!!! The human body is an amazing thing. Anyway, back to "the aroma". It's now filling our entire car..... Where is it coming from? It's not coming directly from the bathrooms because I wandered down there to check it out. Is it seeping from some holding tank? Did someone have a bean and cabbage burrito for supper???? Are the people in the next closet storing dirty diapers in there???? What the????? BUT never fear, we came prepared! Before leaving home we soaked cotton balls with essential oils and put them in plastic bags to haul out on just such an occassion. We also brought a travel sized bottle of Febreeze. Generally I can't stand the stuff, but if the choice is between flowery smelling poop as opposed to just regular poop, I guess the floral kind is slightly less offensive. At first it helped considerably. We had to "fling them" around a bit to release the scent but you do what you have to. After about a half hour the poopy smell had completely overpowered our scented oils. Oh my, how much farther???? All of a sudden this is the never ending ride home! For the rest of the ride home the smell lessened but then would return in full force. We tried to nap off an on by placing the cotton ball on the bed right next to our noses. This was somewhat effective, but not entirely. At least that didn't happen until the last half of the last day.

The moral of the story.......... If you think you might like to take the train, do it. I really enjoyed it and would do it again in spite of the minor disturbances. It was fun and fairly comfortable. Get the closet. It's worth the extra money. Don't go coach. There isn't enough deoderant in the entire world to combat what we encountered there. DO NOT get a lower berth. If you are assigned a lower berth when you receive your tickets, call Amtrak. Request a change. The lower berth rooms on a Superliner are 11-15. DO NOT get the rooms with the private bathroom right in your closet. A.) The can is right by your head when you lay down. I guess if you get the flu and need to both lie down and vomit at the same time, you're in business. Unless you plan on that, skip the private toilet. B.) That area of the car smells like poop ALL the time.... Not just at the end of the trip. ALL THE TIME. Bring something to repel the smell....just in case. You never know. It might not stink at all. Our trip east didn't. It might smell like that August Forest Service outhouse. If it does, you'll thank me while you're inhaling through your orange and clove soaked cotton ball.

So, take the train and enjoy your Amtrak Experience!

The Amtrak Experience - Part 1

It's been a while since I've posted anything........ Life just gets away from you sometimes.

Rodd and I just got back from our first "Amtrak Experience". I had to travel to Michigan on business and we decided it might be fun to take the train. I know, we have warped ideas of fun. Our trip was about 40 hours each way, boarding in Sandpoint, Idaho at 2:30am on Sunday the 18th and ending the eastbound trip in Grand Rapids, Michigan at 10:30pm on Monday night. The eastbound trip was relatively uneventful. We originally had a lower berth but when we boarded they told us that they had needed to move us upstairs. Fine. Whatever. We don't care.
The food was pretty decent although I can't say as much for the service. We had breakfast while skirting Glacier National Park. That was pretty cool, but the waitress was horrifying. She was completely demeaning to the other members of the staff and she was less than friendly to the patrons. Other than her, the dining experience was fine. You share a table with 2 other people, which being the recluse that I am, was not fabulous, but hey......it's the Amtrak Experience.
The "roomette", which will henceforth be referred to as "the closet", is about 3 ft wide and 6 ft long. I was a little concerned about claustrophobia, but it really wasn't bad. The bottom bunk is much less offensive than the top. Remember when you were a kid and you took that summer vacation in the 1960's camper? And you sat up one too many times in that "over the cab" bed? And you thumped a knot on your melon the size of a large lemon????? It's not unlike that..... HOWEVER, I have slept in worse places so I'm not complaining. It was MUCH better than being stuck in coach. What IS that smell........? We'll get to that in a bit.
The route from Idaho to Michigan is a very northern route and much of it is Montana and North Dakota. It's a little brown and drab, but I must say they have some fabulous "junk" photo opps. Of course you can't take advantage of them because you're stuck in the closet flying by at 70mph. There really were literally 100's of old rusty cars from the 20's - 50's along the edges of the fields by the tracks. There was also an oddly large number of appliances....... Appliances??? Hhhhhm. I don't just mean 2 or 3 old stoves. I'm talking, like, a LOT of them.....stoves, fridges, hot water heaters..... Not any houses or towns for miles around but appliances...... I don't get it. How did that happen? I can only imagine..... It must have gone something like this, "Well Henry, it's too bad about that appliance warehouse goin' belly up and all. What do you think we should do with all of these left over appliances? There sure are a lot of em'. I know, maybe we could just haul them out to the back 40,000 and scatter them along the railroad tracks. Nah, that ain't litterin'. No one will even notice if we spread them out a little bit. Yeah, from here to Minnesota would be good." Huh???
When we finally got clear of the plains and into Minnesota a bit we decided it might be fun to check out the observation car. We were traveling along the Mississippi at this point but it was on the opposite side of the car from our closet. The observation car was about 6 cars back from us. On the way back we had to pass through 2 coach cars. I wasn't prepared for the sensory assault that met us there! WHOA!!!! I suppose you have to keep in mind that this train originates in Portland. By the time you hit Minnesota these people have been almost 3 days without a shower.......and these cars must seat at least 50-80 people. AND the windows don't open. You do the math! Wow....hurry through those cars. After braving the stench we didn't even get to see the river anyway because the only available seats in the observation car were on the same side as our closet. Oh well.....back through the stench!
At LaCrosse, Wisconsin we were delayed for track work for about an hour. By the time we reached Chicago for our transfer we were an hour and a half behind schedule. Guess how much time we had to catch our next train? .........that would be negative 10 minutes. Yep, just missed it. BUT never fear, they're calling Greyhound!!!! Oh horrors! Now I've been on a Greyhound bus and have earned the right to say that. If you've "gone Greyhound" you can sympathize. So, they shuffled us off to a little room to wait while they "make arrangements". Whoohoo!! The bus is waiting on the curb! Let's go see what we've got! You know those nice big fancy tour buses that take the elderly tour group to the casino to lose all of their social security check? Yeah? Well.....it wasn't one of those. This one was more like the old hotel shuttle bus that is so dilapidated that the hotel simply can't duct tape it back together anymore. However, they didn't want to pay to have it towed away so they donated it to the inner city youth program because "it's for a good cause". "Oh yeah, you can HAVE it...Yep, for FREE. Just come and get her!!!". This thing made Greyhound look like a luxury line! We're talking black smoke rollin', fenders flappin', windows rattling, funky smelling, steaming pile. AND the driver was missing more teeth than is acceptable. I know, I'm awful, but I'm just trying to paint the picture for you here.
We all (there were probably 18 of us) piled into the "charter bus" where we proceeded to wait for another half hour before we could leave. I haven't a clue what the hold up was. When we got on and sat down I made the mistake of not paying close attention to my seat selection. If I had been paying attention I certainly would not have chosen this particular location. Yes, it had what may have seemed like a redeeming quality at the time. It was next to an emergency window exit so that when this rolling dung heap spontaneously combusted we'd have a means of escape. However, what I didn't realize was that a.) this exit window was loose in the frame and was going to rattle, bang and leak cold air for the next 3 1/2 hours and b.) I picked the hump over the wheel well!!!! AAHHH! How could I have been so careless? I'm a seasoned traveler and generally speaking I'm very cognizant of such things. What an IDIOT!!! So, here I sit...riding "the hump" from Chicago to Grand Rapids...... holding the emergency window closed for fear it might fall out, freezing my patootie off with my knees wrapped up around my ears. Oh God, please make it go by quickly!!!
There was some poor older woman (she said she was 70) sitting in front of us who was also freezing and had to go to the bathroom since leaving Chicago. Rodd graciously loaned her his jacket, but there wasn't much we could do for her on the other "issue". When we finally arrived in Holland, Michigan she mentioned again that she really needed to use the restroom. Rodd had gotten off the bus to stretch his legs a bit while the "Holland" passengers disembarked. He walked away from the bus a few steps and found our semi-toothless driver urinating in the flower beds!!!! How gross!!! What's up with that??? He can't stop so that Granny can use the restroom but he's taking care of business in the tulip bed at the train station!!!!! Amtrak will be hearing from me....... After the driver got back on the bus I asked him if we could make a restroom stop at a gas station for a few minutes. Poor Granny was honestly going to wet herself. He grudgingly conceded, but the lady sitting across the aisle from me absolutely blew a gasket!!! Now, I understand, we're all tired, we're hungry, we're sick of the bus, we're pissed because we missed the train etc. But come on, this poor 70 year old lady needed to use the restroom!!!! It'll take all of about 5 minutes! Anyway, we stopped and the few who were going to take advantage of the restroom went inside. Granny went first and headed back to the bus. Next there was a lady traveling with 2 little boys around 5 and 6 who needed to go. I stayed in the gas station to watch her kids so that she could use the restroom. Back at the bus I'm missing all of the fun. "Blew a Gasket" is growing increasingly pissed off. Granny told Rodd, "If she even says ONE THING I don't like, I'm going to tell her she can mark off a spot and kiss my you know what!!!!" Rodd said that the "blew a gasket" lady started yelling about how long it was taking and hollering for everyone to get their butts back on the bus and blah blah blah. She came off of the bus and headed for the gas station to herd everyone back. Granny was close on her heels telling her she can't talk to people like that. "Blew a gasket" told her, "I'm not even talking to YOU!!!!". Granny said, "No, you're talking to my friends!!!!" (Meaning Rodd and me). They continued to argue until I put my arm around Granny's shoulder and gently steered her back to the bus. She looked up at me and grinned and said, "Isn't that funny how we just became fast friends????" I was laughing my butt off. The rest of the ride to Grand Rapids was fairly uneventful, but Granny hinted that she'd like someone to wait with her while her ride came to pick her up. She was a little scared of "Blew a Gasket" now. Of course, we wouldnt have left her standing at the bus station in the dark / cold at midnight anyway.
We finally settled in to our hotel room at around 2:30am Tuesday morning. Whew! What a day!!!!
Stay tuned for Part 2!